


(Don’t) Let Me Go

by Markirya



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, First Crush, High School, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Trouble Letting Go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23195251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markirya/pseuds/Markirya
Summary: That’s what Kageyama had been for him, his first real crush, the boy he couldn’t stop staring at when they were kids, the one Kunimi wanted to hold hands with, to play volleyball with all the time. It was kinda still going on, somewhere deeply mixed with anger, hurt and betrayal.Why couldn’t he let Kageyama go?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio/Kunimi Akira
Comments: 7
Kudos: 89





	1. High School

**Author's Note:**

> Someone stop me. I’m sorry to those who have subscribed to me, probably getting all kinds of notifications all over the place.  
> There’s seriously not enough KuniKage here

When did it happen? 

When did Kindaichi grow so much?

Kunimi looked at him as if it was the first time he was seeing him, at least the first time in a long, long while. He kept staring, speechless, as Kindaichi told him the story of how he had talked to Kageyama, their old teammate, their old friend. 

He didn’t let it show but he was proud of Kindaichi, of how much he had matured, how he was able to let go of the past. He was actually jealous of the way Kindaichi made peace with the fact that he still cared for Kageyama, had swallowed his pride and had approached one of the more approachable-looking players from Karasuno- the reserve setter, to ask how Kageyama had been doing. Sure, it was in secret, he didn’t think Kageyama would appreciate it, but the fact that he had done it made something warm stir in his chest, and also something uncomfortable. 

It was something that screamed at him and mocked him for not being able to do the same thing. He wasn’t willing to let go. 

In truth, he had always secretly thought it was worse for him, that the damage had been greater… that Kageyama had hurt him more than he had the rest of their team. He never voiced it, but sometimes he thought that Kindaichi knew, at the very least suspected it, so he tended to leave him be when the conversation inevitably came up. 

Kageyama. Ever since that match Kunimi couldn’t stop thinking about it, and the fact that he rarely paid attention in class gave him even more time to dwell on his former teammate. His former crush. 

That’s what Kageyama had been for him, his first real crush, the boy he couldn’t stop staring at when they were kids, the one Kunimi wanted to hold hands with, to play volleyball with all the time. He was pathetic, it sounded like a playground crush, when in fact it had only been a few years ago. When in fact- and this he could barely even admit to himself, it was still going on, somewhere deeply mixed with anger, hurt and betrayal. 

When he had heard of Karasuno for the first time, and heard that was where Kageyama had ended up, he had felt all this emotions rush back at him. The frustration of never being up to par, the anger at never been seen as enough. The impossible fear of feeling Kageyama slipping through his fingers, and the hurt of knowing that in his heart he had already slipped. Most of all, he felt that quietly burning devotion, that passion he hated so much, one he had only felt with Kageyama before he became the King of the Court. No, when they started, when Kageyama looked up to him and always wanted to toss for him. The one that wasn’t obsessed with Oikawa, or being the best, or volleyball in general. The Kageyama that would secretly smile when Kunimi bumped into him, or sometimes let him take a nap on his shoulders. 

It hadn’t lasted long, when their first year was over Kageyama had already started on his path to self-destruction. Those months, however, that first year, had been everything to Kunimi. Kunimi who had never been interested in anything or anyone in particular, who would rather sleep than do just about anything else. Kunimi could have spent his day watching Kageyama try to improve his serve, running around looking for anyone who would care to help him. Kageyama’s energy made him feel alive, made him hope for a day in which he’d find his passion too. 

He never got around to finding it. He loved playing volleyball, had learned how to best make use of his energy to best serve his team, he rejoiced in victory and fought back tears when they lost. He loved it, though it never felt completely right, not since the day he broke his own heart by breaking Kageyama’s. 

In the end, years went by and he never said a word to Kageyama. He never found it himself, either the courage or the conviction. He wanted to go up to him sometimes, but he wasn’t sure if he would apologise or just scream at him. Kageyama had made him learn that despite seeming uninterested, he was really bad at letting go when it mattered. 

One day, during their last year of high school, he found out that Kindaichi had exchanged numbers with Kageyama and they texted each other semi-regularly. Mostly volleyball stuff, but sometimes they talked about their teammates or school in general. 

“He’s still very awkward and formal in his texts,” Kindaichi had told him, carefully, like he didn’t know if he could talk about this with Kunimi, “but he’s pretty alright when you get past that, you know.” 

He hesitated.

“He asks about you, sometimes. I never know what to answer.” 

Kunimi gave a slow blink to hide the fact that his chest was aching just a little bit. Kageyama asked about him. Did he care? Kunimi huffed. 

“So what? You’re friends again now?” It didn’t quite sound as uninterested as he’d intended, and Kindaichi looked slightly defensive. 

“I don’t know. It’s just- it’s been long enough, I think.” 

“Hm.” Was all he got from Kunimi, his mind actually running in circles, because a part of him really believed it had been long enough, that it shouldn’t still matter so much. 

“He’s changed, you know.” Kindaichi’s voice was soft, as if he could somehow understand the debate behind Kunimi’s bored gaze.

“I guess.” 

“Do you?” And with that, Kindaichi stood and went… somewhere, leaving Kunimi to his darkening thoughts of Kageyama. Kageyama and that redhead spiker that could hit whatever Kageyama threw at him. The redhead that had changed him. 

He understood now that Karasuno had changed him, not Kunimi and his former team. They had destroyed Kageyama and Karasuno, with Hinata Shoyou at the lead, had put him back together. 

Everyone could see it, Kindaichi saw it. Kunimi himself could see it, so why couldn’t he accept it? 

Why couldn’t he let Kageyama go? 


	2. Twist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t stop!  
> PRETTY PLEASE! Can someone tell me where to find KuniKage?

He had stopped playing volleyball when he left the Seijoh and never looked back.

During his second year at university he realised he no longer felt anger at Kageyama, he was just a kid when all that happened, many, many years ago. He still felt the hurt like a sting somewhere in his chest, the childhood scar of being left behind by the one person he admired the most. The pain of being pushed back and down and lessened by someone, that tended to stick. However, he no longer blamed Kageyama, he could accept that it was never his intention to cause harm, he just wanted to be better, for everyone to be better, and didn’t know how to do it aside from doing it all on his own.

It was his third year at university when- finally, the dull ache that was Kageyama stopped suffocating him.

What consumed him was guilt. Guilt and shame for being such a child, for playing a big game, trying to act like an adult and messing with things he couldn’t understand. Like the consequences of being so incredibly cruel to someone. Did Kageyama deserve it? Maybe, though lately his answer tended towards ‘no’, but still it didn’t justify the way they had acted, the way he had acted. 

Kageyama hadn’t gone pro like everyone assumed he would, to the surprise of just about everyone, but he kept on playing on the University circuit, blowing away the competition with his team since first year. As always, he was a calm storm, a force to be reckoned with, that’s what he concluded the first time Kunimi saw him play after leaving school.

* * *

It had been an accident, he’d just gone ‘to see what he'd be missing’ with his former teammates and rivals, those he kept in touch with, or rather, Kindaichi kept in touch with for both of them. He didn’t even think of Kageyama, as he made him to be somewhere succeeding in the bigger world of volleyball tha Kunimi couldn’t be bothered to keep up with. Volleyball hadn’t been the same after his original teammates left, each year he felt more disconnected than the next. He couldn’t care less for the first-years, only for those he had known since he’d entered the team, even those from other schools. Playing against Kageyama, of course, gave the game meaning, and pain and a strange numbness afterwards that he had started appreciating. The other former first-years had a similar effect on him, but it was to be expected that no one could affect him like Kageyama could. It had always been that way.

He sat down, the earlier secret excitement suddenly wearing off, especially since he kept such noisy, overstimulated company. It was as if they hadn’t aged a day- it had been less than a year, in their defense, and still he felt a tiny smile tug at his lips despite himself. Maybe it was going to be worth it. 

He took a deep breath and looked down at the court and there he was, in his wonderful, unapproachable, fiery glory. Kageyama. 

Kunimi stopped breathing for a bit, all kinds of thoughts running through his mind, though he couldn’t grasp a single one. He did understand, however, the sudden need to hide behind Kindaichi, to make sure he wasn’t seen by those piercing eyes. He also understood the way something plummeted from his chest down to his feet, and he thought for a second that maybe it was his heart, dismissing right away with a huff. 

He could definitely understand the ache in his chest, the now vaguely familiar way in which Kageyama took his breath away. It seemed no one else had noticed, as he couldn’t hear screaming, but they soon would, so he took the chance to really look at the setter. 

He still looked fierce, blue eyes intense as he tossed for a really tall guy with the same uniform. He had grown into his features, his jaw now sharper, and the inches he had grown fitted his body and limbs in a nice way. He still didn’t look completely adult, Kunimi figured he was going to grow even more, but he no longer was the lanky, sulky teenager that outside the court seemed to forget how to properly coordinate his body. 

He watched him run and jump and serve, a familiar and somehow completely new move, and the ball sliced the air, past the net and right into the corner of the court, undisturbed and beautiful. The guy that had tried unsuccessfully to receive his serve just rolled his eyes in a friendly-annoyed manner, and gave him a sarcastic thumbs up, to which Kageyama just smirked. It was a nice smirk, Kunimi thought, smug but not prideful. Playful, even. The ache in his chest intensified.

“Kunimi, why are you looking so- shit! Guys, it’s Kageyama, right there!” Someone shouted, Kunimi couldn’t care less who it had been, and everyone started talking over each other, wondering why he was playing at university level and making up theories, reminiscing. They even tried to get his attention, but either they were too far away or Kageyama was ignoring them with extreme talent, because he didn’t even flinch. 

“He must be super focused. You remember how he was, right, Kindaichi?” Someone commented as they quieted down. The game was about to start. 

“Hm.” Kindaichi turned to Kunimi with a worried look. “I didn’t know he’d be here, never even told he played at university, and I just assumed-“

“It’s fine.” Kunimi tried to look disinterested, the apology on Kindaichi’s face was getting on his nerves. 

The starting whistle blew. 

It was a fast-paced game, precise and clean. It was beautiful in a way only a high level match could be. The match was notoriously dominated by Kageyama’s team, and he agreed when someone muttered ‘obviously’ in a slightly bitter way. 

It was, however, mesmerising to watch the former Karasuno setter. He was, if that was even possible, more precise, more cutting, and completely in sync with his team. It was a good team, with powerful spikers and a tall, smart main blocker leading the defense. Kageyama’s serves were deadly, in a way that made Kunimi’s throat dry. Apparently he had something for big displays of power. Or maybe just Kageyama displaying power. Powerful and yet humble in a way, looking excited when the ball hit that spot that no one on the opposite team could reach. Looking at his teammates for reassurance still, but he didn’t look as desperate for their approval anymore. 

Kunimi knew that was a trait he was- with his team, responsible for. 

He had to forcefully dismiss Kindaichi’s mix of teasing and worried glances, only looking at him with mild surprise when he huffed in irritation and muttered ‘it’s always him, right?’ 

Kunimi bit his lips as he looked away, because somehow it was true. It had always been Kageyama. 

Focusing back on the game, Kageyama’s team were easily ahead on a second set, and he assumed they’d won the first one, too. Truth was he didn’t really care about the game, hadn’t from the start, but how could he even pretend to care with this new and improved- dangerously new, Kageyama right in front of him, stirring all kinds of feelings inside him. Jumping high in the air and showing off smooth skin and muscles as his shirt rode up, flexing his toned arms in anticipation, or setting the ball with such a delicate-looking touch, deadly in its precision. He was hopelessly attracted to all of it, to Kageyama, and the conflicting memories from their past somehow fueled his attraction, frustration adding to the burning need for more. Of what? Who cares. 

Kageyama must’ve hit the winning point, because a deafening roar rose through the gym, and Kunimi saw Kageyama’s teammates running to him, ruffling his hair, touching him, then tackling him into a human pile before straightening up to give the final salute. 

Just then, Kageyama, smiling a small breathtaking smile, looked up to the stands and lost it instantly when he saw the little group of former players trying to congratulate him loudly. It wasn’t a mean stare, just wary and confused, and when his eyes landed on Kunimi it just stayed there for what seemed like forever, burning right through him, demanding an answer, a reaction. 

A tiny, tentative smile was forcefully pulled from Kunimi’s lips, but Kageyama probably couldn’t see it from that distance, because he just looked disappointed as he turned around and walked towards his team. 

Kunimi hated himself just a little bit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t get why there’s so little KuniKage.


	3. Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, i gets a little dark  
> ALso, i haven't even read through it twice. Sorryyyy

More than a year had gone by since that day and never again did Kunimi attend a volleyball match, not even on the rare occasion Kindaichi played, he couldn’t risk it.

That day, Kunimi had wanted to congratulate him, to maybe say something nice, a pat on the back, well done. More than anything, he wished Kageyama had seen him smile, or react in any way, anything that would take that disappointed look off his face. 

Even now that it was only guilt and embarrassment that he carried, he still felt he couldn’t breathe sometimes. It was his third year in university and it was still Kageyama in his mind, his heart, his life. Not that he’d seen him again more than a couple of times after that match, and only in passing. At a birthday party, where he was expertly maneuvered by Kindaichi to never be near him, and once in the subway, though Kageyama never realised, as Kunimi decided to wait for the next train. He wasn’t in a hurry anyways. 

Kindaichi and Kageyama were friends now. They got together and played volleyball with some of the guys from high school on the weekends. Kindaichi loved having a relationship with Kageyama, so Kunimi always acted as though he didn’t notice when he was texting him. They had argued about it, a few months after that fateful match, because Kindaichi was fed up with him. He told Kunimi in no uncertain terms that he was being a baby, that he should have talked with Kageyama, and that he wasn’t going to pursue Kageyama’s friendship and no longer feel like he should be ashamed of it, or hide it for Kunimi’s sake.   
When he had calmed down, he looked at him with worry.   
“It’s not too late, you know, and I really want to try to be his friend. I like him.”   
Everything stopped for a second, and Kunimi choked on his spit and Kindaichi laughed,  
“Relax, not in that way”, ‘not in the same way you do’ was left unsaid, but Kunimi heard it clearly. He frowned, “Whatever.”   
“You’re impossible”, Kindaichi sighed, but that was the end of it.   
So Kindaichi befriended Kageyama, and Kunimi hated it. Hated it with a burning passion because he couldn’t handle jealousy, so he chose hatred. For the first few weeks he didn’t even talk to Kindaichi, though his friends took it all in stride, rolling his eyes as though he already knew everything. He probably did. Then things turned back to normal, as normal as they could be, and once again he had a reason to think of the setter on a regular basis whenever Kindaichi mentioned him. Well, on top of all the other times Kageyama appeared in his thoughts unprompted. 

Kindaichi talked about Kageyama, a lot, and Kunimi knew he did it on purpose. He talked about all the nice things they did together, all the awesome things Kageyama did, all the little ways in which he had improved, as a player and as a person. He talked about how much nicer he was, how he no longer dressed all in dark colours and how the other day he made a splendid joke.   
How he still asked if Kunimi was okay.   
It was like a stab in the heart, every time. Every time it made a fierce longing rush through him like a fever, he felt restless and all he wanted was to have Kageyama in front of him, to say something, anything. To somehow skip all the apologies and the resentment and get to the part where he could get to know Kageyama, where he could be part of his world, like he was part of Kunimi’s.   
He had wanted to be Kageyama’s friend from the first time he met him ,and something in him had never stopped wanting that, just like Kindaichi. Something in Kageyama was so attractive to him, so magnetic, and even through all of it he still wanted to be near him. 

It was becoming an obsession, no longer healthy. Sure, he felt things towards his former teammate, he always had, but they were becoming too intense, too encompassing. Sometimes he really couldn’t breathe. 

He needed to see Kageyama, but he wouldn’t

Then one day he arrived at the apartment he shared with Kindaichi and Kageyama was there and Kindaichi was not, just like that.   
Just like that, after 2 years of expertly avoiding everything and everyone that could bring him closer to Kageyama. 

He had grown up a lot, not only was he taller now but broader, definitely no more baby fat. He was incredibly handsome, and his eyes were as unsettling as ever, not hidden by a fringe anymore. 

“Hi.”   
Kunimi felt nauseous, and he walked backwards to the door and turned around as he spoke.  
“I- sorry, I have to go.” 

In a flash, Kageyama was there and grabbed his wrist, turning him around.   
“Wait.”   
They just looked at each other, not saying a word, for a long while. Kunimi felt like he was barely breathing, Kageyama was so close, and he was touching him, and he wasn’t letting go. It was too much, he wanted to get away and scream, maybe cry, but he was pinned. 

“We don’t have to talk about it, you know? Not now.” 

Suddenly, Kunimi could breathe, could think. Kageyama was there in front of him, and he was acting like a fool. He slipped his arm from Kageyama’s grasp and breathed some more.   
It was okay, it was just one person. 

“Why are you here?” 

Kageyama shrugged. “I wanted to know how you were. Kindaichi never tells me.”   
Kunimi couldn’t help but smile a little, that was his best friend right there, even if he’d obviously planned this whole thing. He was still going to kill him, but it was nice to have a reminder of how Kindaichi always had his back.  
His best friend knew this was what he needed. Kunimi was going insane with dark thoughts and obsessive feelings and going around in circles. He knew it, everyone around him knew he was losing it. His grades were down, he barely talked, and his mind was a constant loop of his biggest failures. Also, this obsession with Kageyama. 

He wasn’t obsessed with Kageyama as a person, he realised. He didn’t even know him. He was obsessed with the idea of him, of what Kageyama could have been if they hadn’t given up on him. 

“Fine. Let’s talk.” 

\--

They talked for hours. Kindaichi came back, claiming he was worried they had killed each other when neither answered their phone. He grabbed a coat and left again before either could protest.   
Kunimi didn’t want to protest. 

They talked, they screamed a little, they almost cried. It was slow at first, finding common ground, but they worked it out.   
Kageyama was , as Kindaichi had told him, funny and nice, and had already forgiven himself for what happened in middle school. He had also forgiven Kunimi, and though Kunimi himself had already forgiven Kageyama, he realised that was the only missing link.   
He couldn’t forgive himself.   
They talked about it more, about forgiveness and moving on and becoming better people and better players. Kunimi confessed he was jealous of Hinata, that he could spike Kageyama’s serves, and admitted he had always wanted to be able to do that.   
Kageyama told him softly that he was jealous of Kindaichi for being such good friends with you, and how happy he was when the other wanted to be friends again. 

Back and forth they traded confessions secrets, moments, and with every one Kunimi could feel something inside him mend. That awful constricting feeling of not being able to breathe. That heaviness he felt in his heart all the time. The shame was washed away by Kageyama’s surprisingly smart words. He was gentle as he talked about the past and their wrongs. There was fire in his eyes as he talked about Karasuno, about his team.  
Every word that came out of Kageyama’s mouth was a balm. They were sitting facing each other on the couch.   
They talked until Kindaichi came back,  
“It’s way too cold to be outside, so just kiss already, damn it.”   
Kunimi’s eyes went wide, a fierce blush rushing through him, but Kageyama just laughed as he stood up.  
“Fine, i’ll just-”   
“Don’t.” Kunimi was grabbing on to a cushion as he looked up at Kageyama, briefly at Kindaichi, then back at the setter.   
Kageyama just questioned him with his eyes.   
“Stay for dinner.”   
Kindaichi glared at Kunimi, “we don’t have any food.”   
Kunimi just stared at him until Kindaichi heaved an enormous sigh.   
“Fine, I’ll go buy something, you owe me.” and left grumbling all the way out. 

Kageyama laughed under his breath and sat down again, looking at Kunimi for an explanation.  
“I just-” Kunimi deflated and looked away, “I didn’t want you to leave.”   
Kageyama smiled at him, and as Kunimi glanced at it he felt his heart beating fast.   
Kageyama changed the subject and started talking about his new team, and Kunimi breathed a sigh of relief. Though still not completely flowing or relaxed, their conversation was no longer awkward, and after a while, Kunimi managed to get out of his head and enjoy the conversation.   
After a long pause, Kageyama looked at him funny.   
“I can come back, you know. If you want.”   
Kunimi glanced away again. “Do- Would you want to?”

Kunimi heard the sound of keys on the door and Kindaichi was back and talking as if nothing was going on, on his way to their tiny kitchen.  
“I know you hate fast food, Kageyama, but I don’t fucking care.”   
Kageyama snorted, but smiled lightly. Kunimi was struck once again with how handsome he was.   
“I’ll help.” He called out, standing up. Just as Kunimi was about to follow and stand up himself, Kageyama bent down to whisper in his ear. Kunimi imagined he could feel his presence all around him, his scent, his warmth. His eyes fluttered shut and his breath caught.   
“We should hang out someday, just us.” 

He stepped away and Kunimi caught the end of his smirk as he turned towards the kitchen.


End file.
